The Weirdest of the Weird “Florida Man” Stories — Part 2

It's very possible that this was the body's automatic response to eating so many roaches. You're probably wondering why there was a roach-eating contest – We don't have all the details, but apparently, the first prize was a python. Now that's Florida for you.

None of the other thirty contestants reported any illnesses at the pet store promo event. Reports said this Florida man signed a waiver prior to the unique and unorthodox event.

As a person of interest in a horrible crime, Sean Patrozzino decided to leg it. He can't actually do that, but that did not stop the police from saying he did.

He is thought to be armed, or at least was back in 2014 when the story broke. We have to give this guy a hand for deciding to take hold of his safety and take a step toward freedom after he found out the cops were looking for him. Way to grasp your fate, my man.

Bearing only eighteen tons of Crisco, a semitrailer in St. Petersburg didn't expect to be the target of theft, but here we are. Originally destined for a public distribution center in Lakeland, the entire truck was stolen and taken somewhere else.

Police say that thieves also broke into another trailer carrying boxes from an Amazon distribution center, so why they eventually chose to make off with the cooking material is a mystery that will have to wait for another time.

These must have been some pretty fancy sunglasses because most of the ones you can buy from shops will only cost up to about ten dollars. Even if they were those pricey picks, that's still a whopping six hundred pairs to snag out of someone's car.

How long did that take? And why did that person have so many pairs of sunglasses in his car? It turns out that the sunglasses were fancy designer brands like Tom Ford or Yves Saint Laurent, so we can see this being a little more likely. He also stole $200 in cash.

Squirrels are pests, but some think of them as pets! Robby Armstrong was the victim of a vicious animal attack, but there have been plenty more – the rodent in question was raised from a baby by a neighbor, but nature took over nurture in this case.

The squirrel has bit numerous others in the neighborhood, and despite Armstrong's attempt to get rid of the animal, the squirrel escaped to terrorize another day.

Is there anything more Florida Man than causing chaos at one of the many big-box stores that litter the state? For some reason, Walmart and Florida Men (Florida Men of course being a gender-neutral term) are like peanut butter and jam.

The best way to beat the crowds? Hop onto his trusty golf cart and put the pedal to the metal. Witnesses told police that the man demanded to speak to a manager before barricading the entrance to the adjoining liquor store. We can't say we're all that surprised.

Judith Streng and her son were on vacation in Iceland when they discovered people taking photos on the iceberg throne in Jokulsarlon. Judith climbed onto the throne, only for a large wave to break the throne off. Despite the efforts of others, the throne started floating away with Streng on top, quite literally being carried out to sea.

Thankfully, none other than Florida Man himself got the chance to be a real hero. The unnamed man was boating nearby and came to Streng's rescue.

When an overly aggressive coyote approached a Fruitland Park man, he took it upon himself to defend his home using the first thing that came to mind: his coffee cup. While Ben Pool knew there were plenty of coyotes in the area, none of them had ever come so close.

This one attacked him and his dog, and Pool resorted to smashing the coyote with his coffee mug. He faces no legal issues for the actions he took to protect himself.

If you aren't a drag racing aficionado, you might not know that the surface they race on is specially treated. It's called PJ1 Trackbite and is used to give racers immediate and incredible traction during pedal-to-the-metal starts. A guy got the chance to step onto the track for a photo op, unaware that his shallow-tread sneakers would leave him stuck.

Race fans had to wait until this guy got himself, and his shoes, off the track, requiring assistance with every step. It's all too possible that he's still there to this day.

After driving his kids to school, Ernst Dimanche popped the hood of his Cadillac to find a boa. There's no information on how big the snake was, but these guys can grow to six or even ten feet.

Dimanche first tried calling animal control but was unable to afford the three hundred dollars that they would charge. He turned to Fire Rescue, but they didn't want to hurt the snake and refused to help. The snake was reluctant to leave the engine, it being all nice and warm. A neighbor eventually used a hanger to pull the snake out.

In Florida, alligators are a real nuisance, and that's putting it mildly. When one came up to his front door, a man managed to trap it inside a trash can. He was able to safely hold the alligator in the trash can, and quickly got the animal down an embankment near a retention pond.

At that point, the guy very carefully let the alligator go into its natural habitat as he scampered back up the hill with the empty trash can. He was later seen wrangling a big snake in a towel. This guy just does it all, huh?

Let this be a lesson to you: even if you've spent all your life in Florida, you should always watch out for alligators. Sixty-one-year-old Mark Johnson had lived his entire life around alligators and was still quite surprised when one of them jumped out of a canal, clamped its jaws on him, and tried to drag him into the water.

Johnson got the scaly beast to let go of his leg by digging his index fingers into the animal's eyes. Still, he's lucky to be alive. His self-defense tactic is a useful one against almost any wild animal.

About thirty to forty minutes before the Super Bowl was to begin in 2021, the power in a South Florida neighborhood went out. A man had decided he wanted to try out the excavator that was parked on the street, accidentally knocking over a power line.

The man quickly hopped out and made his getaway on a bicycle, fully aware he was in trouble from the area's rabid sports fans. Thankfully, Bucs fans rejoiced as the power was restored for the game's second half as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers continued embarrassing the Kansas City Chiefs.

This story doesn't involve theft, but it still lands on our list. The thing about Florida is there's water everywhere. You could go for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico and on the same day go kayaking in the Atlantic ocean.

So why, then, did this guy choose to go swimming in a Bass Pro Shops fish tank? It is, apparently, not the first time this sort of stunt has been pulled, and Bass Pro Shops is begging people to stop.

Frank Ashmus and Garth Spacek got into a fight. There were words, fists, and beer bottles thrown, but the coup de grace was when Ashmus went to Spacek's apartment and attacked with a swordfish. While not badly hurt, Spacek still suffered quite a wound.

Police comments were along the lines of “We don't see that kind of thing very often,” which makes us wonder if they have, indeed, seen it before. Both men were drinking during the altercation, is that a surprise?

A Madison County Waffle House reported being robbed, but only for a few napkins. Edward William Rodriguez apparently walked in, pointed his index fingers at the employees, and declared that they were being robbed. He then grabbed a handful of napkins and walked out. According to the report, he was also accompanied by a small dog.

Deputies would later locate Rodriguez at his residence and arrest him without incident after he admitted to the crime.

When Jessica Devnani got engaged to Gregory Bender, she thought she would be marrying her best friend. The person she actually got engaged to was already married, and that fact was only discovered after Bender had a procedure in the hospital.

While he was recuperating, Devnani dropped by for a surprise visit, only to find Bender there with his wife. The full story is pretty wild, but it's far too long (and deals with some sensitive stuff) for us to relate here.

A Fort Myers convenience store had a string of bad luck during a certain period when it was robbed twice. By the same person. Who wore a different set of clothes the second time around. The first time he broke the lottery ticket machine and took as many of the tickets as he could.

The second time he nabbed the cash register and the safe, unaware that the latter was empty. Clearly, his goal was to make people think he was only responsible for one of the robberies, but it didn't pan out that way.

Derrick Nangle loves his vintage tuba, which hails from almost a hundred years ago. However, he is no longer allowed to play on the sand of Fort Myers Beach. A town code states that playing music on public or town property without a permit is illegal.

There's also the fact that he had a sign asking for generosity, which was also not allowed. Nangle has said: “All I want to do is what I love without somebody screaming at me.” We recommend the guitar.

The man saw a spiny-tailed reptile splashing around in his bowl on July twenty-fourth, and what followed was a three-day struggle to free the animal. Every time he donned protective clothing to try and pull it out, it would swim back down the hole, deeper into the plumbing.

On day three, he was able to grasp the reptile's tail, but it popped right off and the lizard escaped again. Finally giving up, he called for help and was told to prop a stick in the bowl, so the iguana could climb out.

If Jimmy Wayne Hammonds, fifty-seven, is indeed convicted of the charges brought against him, he could face up to twenty years in prison. Hammonds conspired to sell a capuchin monkey to a buyer in California.

He's also accused of illegally selling endangered cotton-top tamarins to buyers all over the nation. He submitted false records to law enforcement officers and attempted to persuade a witness to lie to an officer. No news on exactly why he's being called the monkey whisperer, though.

After one Florida man had gotten fed up with dealing with a specific pothole, he decided to take matters into his own hands. Potholes were a big problem in the industrial area near US 41, but Bryan Raymond was frustrated enough to do something about it.

He really just wanted to draw attention to the bad potholes, which have gotten cars stuck and resulted in flooding problems, so he added a banana tree!

If it isn't in Burma, why do they call it a Burmese python? It should be called a Florida Hell-snake. If you were out on a walk around the neighborhood and you saw a snake that big, you would get home, tell the family, and start packing for somewhere, anywhere, else.

Let's put a reptile of that size into perspective. Nineteen feet is about as tall as an adult giraffe. It's two-and-a-half times as tall as Andre the Giant. It's three times as tall as Michael Jordan. Is this story even real?

A lot of us are willing to do plenty to protect our friendly family pets, but this Florida man went a step further and got into a no-holds-barred battle with one of the bayou's best.

Trent Tweddale was walking his dog, Loki, near a river when a thirteen-foot-long gator grabbed the dog's paws. To protect his dog, he started attacking the alligator. He pounded on the alligator's head until it let the dog go.

If you get pulled over, it's hard to resist the temptation to try and come up with a perfect excuse. This guy decided that only drinking when the car wasn't in motion was good enough for him.

Of course, the police officer that caught him doing so wasn't listening to the well-thought-out and clearly-reasoned argument. Being drunk while in control of a moving vehicle is still illegal, no matter how many loopholes you think you've found.

While he was looking for Byron Leftwich, Tom Brady wandered into the wrong house. David Kramer lives right next to Leftwich, and their houses look similar – almost identical. According to Kramer, who was sitting at home, Brady walked in the front door, dropped a couple of duffel bags on the floor, looked up, and asked if he was in the right house.

It wasn't. Since this man was new to Florida, he opted for an apology and for throwing an alligator.

Christian Eugene Mosco thought he had come up with the perfect plan to get himself out of trouble. He declined to file charges against himself, except he can't do that since he's the person being charged and isn't a prosecutor or a lawyer.

Thanks to his tricky tactic, he's now facing a slew of other charges, such as impersonating a prosecutor and practicing law without a license.

In a heartwarming, fully-Florida story, a man named Eric proposed to his girlfriend Samantha. He didn't have a box with the ring in it, however. Instead, he had tied the ring to a baby alligator and presented the animal to Samantha as she said yes.

We're surprised that's allowed, but it turns out this was at a place called “Gatorland.” Samantha was, reportedly, more excited about the alligator than the proposal. Ouch.

Gerald Griffin, 69, was having a fight with his roommate Danielle and wanted her gone, so he called the police at 12:30 in the morning. And at 1:30. And at 2:50 (still in the same morning), again. The deputies went to Griffin's home.

While they were there, he called 911 two more times. The deputies left, and Griffin called again, at around 3:30, to thank the deputies. They returned one last time, confirmed that Griffin had called six times without any real emergencies, and arrested him.

Judes Exantus didn't have a great day on August seventh, 2014. First, he was pulled over for running a stop sign, then tried to deny that he had committed any wrongdoing. However, the officer clearly witnessed the violation and started writing a ticket.

Sadly, the device that writes the tickets was also having a bad day, and Exantus was impatient. So, he decided to call 911 and complain. This, of course, resulted in another charge, misuse of 911, which led to an arrest and a need to post a $2,000 bail.

This story, while we assume it's hilarious, is going to have to be left up to our imaginations – authorities would not comment on how the man got stuck in the vending machine, or how they rescued him. There was no word on the extent of his injuries, and even the business where it happened was tight-lipped.

We're going to go ahead and picture a full-grown man entirely stuck inside the vending machine, eating a Snickers as firefighters pried the machine open.

You might read that headline and think “goodness, those Florida men couldn't figure their way out of a wet paper bag. If only there was someone with her head screwed on straight to get him out.” You might be right, but there's more to this story than there seems at first.

The man thought they were stuck inside a janitor's closet for two days at Daytona State College, before eventually realizing they could just open the door and walk right out. They had to call 911.

Can you think of a better place to stash all of those purloined goods? We certainly can't. It's very possible that this guy got to his local Walmart with a hankering for surf 'n' turf, only to discover that he didn't have the funds on-hand to make such a lofty purchase.

What else was he supposed to do? Go home, earn money, and come back the next day with the right amount of cash? Don't be silly. No, he was going to try the time-honored tradition of stuffing stolen goods down his pants and pretend everything was kosher.

Zoo animals are watched pretty closely and cared for very carefully, so it's amazing to read that a guy was able to nab almost a dozen before getting caught. For those who are curious, the animals that he gathered include three Florida box turtles, two red-footed tortoises, a skunk, and a squirrel monkey.

It's a pretty safe bet that the reason he was discovered was that neighbors reported “monkey noises” coming from his apartment. They're quite hard to miss.

The nice thing about most insects is they can pretty much take care of themselves. You aren't going to be killing a fly if you raise it in captivity and then release it. Also, why would you want to do such a thing? It would be very strange.

This guy thought he was doing the bees a service – or at least adopting them to a new home – when they were really just doing their bee thing without bothering anybody. Y'know, pollinating and stuff like that. Buzzing around and making honey. All the classics on the bee checklist.

You have no idea what kind of grand finale you're about to see thanks to this guy. It's becoming harder and harder to wow people when it comes to magic now, thanks to the internet and other things, so maybe this frustrated illusionist was trying to gather the supplies for a really big showstopper.

Even better, after the trick is over, he can use them as messenger birds. No more phone bills for him!

It certainly isn't safe, but illegal? How about that? Actually, laws such as the Endangered Species Act and the Marine Mammal Protection Act make it not worth the cost of even getting near these slow-moving animals.

Even touching one in the wild can drop you with a fine of up to five hundred dollars and a jail term of up to sixty days. Remember to beware of the manatee who is, we'd like to remind everybody, still a wild animal.

If you're going to break into somewhere with the express purpose of eating fruit and soda, a farmer's market isn't a bad choice.

The fruit might already be going bad, but at least it's really expensive! On the other hand, some fancy sodas will make a guy's day after a long night of doing stuff in a tutu. We aren't even going to try and guess. Of course, the Florida man was caught on camera and swiftly arrested.

They might not be the most attractive things along the side of the road, but we think everyone can agree that power poles are quite important when it comes to life in the city. So when the power goes down for a whole block because some guy pilfered a pole and strapped it to the hood of his car, the police are going to be on the case.

Thankfully, it's pretty easy to figure out which person made the theft, since power poles are big and heavy and stand out easily. It's not like these guys were master thieves.

Nope, sorry, haven't seen it. Definitely not. Oh, this? This is my 18-foot banana split. It requires six hundred gallons of ice cream and a thousand maraschino cherries, plus ninety pints of chocolate sauce. Sir, are you trying to accuse me of swiping your giant banana? Perish the thought, sir. I've done no such thing.

No, this is a 17-foot banana. One, how does a guy come to own an 18-foot banana? Second, who on earth would steal such a thing?

We feel kind of sorry for the guy. We doubt that he would have gotten away with this tactic, but if coming up with a name off the top of your head means you're suddenly in trouble for a DUI, then you need to come up with better names.

Regardless, the person was fingered for the DUI even though he was innocent but eventually, the truth came out. Next time go for something more original, like Wyatt Earp. Or D.B. Cooper.

He seems like the kind of character that you warn your kids about when they're doing something really specific. “Watch out kids, if you don't lock the back door after coming in, Old Man McCreary will get out his mop and start demanding eggs!”

Why did the mop-man need eggs so badly? Was he going on a tear baking cookies, and the paltry dozen he had in his fridge wouldn't be enough to cover it? Apparently, this man terrified the entire neighborhood!

If you're trying to get your name out there, or you're trying to market your artistic endeavors, you have to do everything you can. If you're trying to build up a name in the music world, carrying some mixtapes around on your person while out and about seems like the bare minimum.

Of course, giving it to a police officer in lieu of personal identification isn't the right tactic. Unless the mixtape is titled something like “I'm [name] and this is my mixtape.”

You're sure? You're really, really sure that was the full and entire reason, Mr. Florida Man? There wasn't anything else going on that would have gotten you to do something like that?

Hey, we can't mock the effectiveness – he's still alive and well, and no vampires have been detected. The next time you think you're being hunted by the winged children of the night, just start grooving on top of the nearest squad car and they'll leave you alone. And you'll get to meet a nice police officer, too.

A newly-minted Florida man decided to get a head start on the headlines by making his first when he was at the tender age of eighteen. It might not seem obvious with some doctors out there, but medical professionals have to go through a lot of schooling to hang those fancy diplomas on the wall. That's why they're so proud of them.

Maybe this guy thought he could help some people, but if he had taken even a single patient, he could have been in a lot of trouble.

Apparently, multiple sources saw Rocco Joseph Mantella, 34, starting a fight with a number of swans on a Thursday morning. The swans were, thankfully, relatively unhurt.

Swans are well-known for their beauty, but people who have worked with or near them also know that they will absolutely attack back if they feel threatened – which explains why Mantella had some cuts and bruises in his mug shot. The swans were never found.

Stand up and clap, everybody, it's going to be hard to top this one. Apparently, a man thought the best course of action after breaking up was to try to burn his ex's place with pasta sauce. No, look, we don't know how it would work either.

Who knows what was going on inside this guy's head. But what if someone will see him? Simple: dress up in a bull costume. It was a foolproof plan. Somehow, it all went wrong.

This Florida native was hoping he could make it all the way to the mystical land of Bermuda. This is, apparently, at least the second time he has tried to do so, according to the headline.

Bless the Florida Coast Guard for bailing him out both times. Maybe there's something illegal about doing this sort of thing, but doing illegal things is the reason this guy wants to run in the first place, so he wouldn't let that stop him.

Not wasting a moment, this man on the run jumped into the wetlands and forged into the swamp. He tried to hide, yet the ground is treacherous! He got stuck and realized that if he doesn't call for help, he might never get out.

Sunk in up to his head calling, a friendly K-9 hears him and goes racing to the rescue, covering his face in doggy slobber to prove he's a good boy. Yes, he is!

Look, if all of your friends are in prison, then that's where you might end up, too. Of course, this Florida man chose the hard way. Imagine “Shawshank Redemption” but in reverse, and without Morgan Freeman and all the good writing.

Anyway, yes, this guy was arrested for breaking into the jail. Maybe that was his goal the entire time. Even a Florida man has a good idea once in a while.

If you've been to a hospital recently, you know that things tend to take a long time. You have to wait to go to surgery, you have to wait when you're out of surgery, and you have to wait until all the paperwork is done. One man decided that he had done his fair share of waiting.

Obviously, it's theft, but can you really blame this guy? Honestly, we can! This is an emergency vehicle, this wasn't an emergency.

Florida has a lot of people that seem to operate with a different frame of mind, but a story like this one? This is the kind of thing that you do because you don't really have any other choice – you want to stand your ground and prove you aren't willing to give up even in the face of a hurricane.

After they were done, they probably packed up and moved to drier areas to keep their families safe.

This story comes with a pair of pictures, and the very quick, very short story might not be worth two thousand words, but it's worth a couple of laughs anyway. The first picture shows the man smiling with a squirrel – quite close to the camera – on a wooden bridge over a bit of wetland.

The second image shows the man fleeing from the camera as the squirrel hangs on to the back of his shirt. The man is hysterical. A reminder: squirrels might look cute, but they're still wild animals.

Thirty-six-year-old Nicholas Jackson was arrested for grand theft auto after nicking a BMW when he found out his EMT card wouldn't cover the cost. He returned the next night to steal the car, along with the keys for sixty other vehicles.

Jackson was quickly found since he didn't have enough money to gas the car up. For the record, the BMW was priced at about sixty thousand dollars, so we don't think the EBT cards were going to cover that.

We're really glad this is what ended up happening. It's like it’s out of a sitcom. Barry Hastings, Jr. was arrested for impersonating an officer when he pulled over an off-duty sheriff's deputy who went unnamed.

The deputy asked Hastings for his credentials, and the only thing Hastings could respond with was that his credentials were at the station. The deputy said he would call law enforcement if the “officer” couldn't produce credentials, and Hastings fled.

Florida couple invited friends, family, and coworkers to their dream home and estate for a weekend wedding celebration. A ceremony on Saturday, and a brunch on Sunday. The only problem is that they didn't have permission to use the mansion they invited everyone to. They literally just showed up Saturday morning and started setting up, which caused the owner to call the police.

The couple said that it was God's plan for them to marry there, but we think it's more likely God's plan was a ceremony at the courthouse followed by appetizers at Chili's.

When a neighbor heard what appeared to be a woman's voice screaming “Let me out! Ohhh! Ohhh! Ohhh!,” there was nothing else to do but call the police. Who knows what could have been going on inside there?

When the police arrived to investigate, they discovered that the sounds were coming from Rambo, the neighbor's pet parrot. Everybody had a laugh, and the police returned to their routes. It was all a simple mistake – unless that's just what the parrot wants you to think.

Don't get between a woman and her “frozen dairy treat.” One Jacksonville woman asked her man to buy her a McFlurry only to get a negative response. The next logical step? Set his car on fire.

And that's exactly what she did. She poured both alcohol and gasoline on the man's car, lit it on fire, and then ran off. That's not the kind of behavior that warrants a McFlurry, lady. She also, according to reports, threatened to “blow it up,” meaning the car, but was unsuccessful if she did attempt to do so.

Chad Rissman and his uncle Darrin Vick managed to catch a shark, but their excitement quickly disappeared when a bald eagle swooped in and nabbed the fish away from them.

Working in tandem, Chad and Darrin had reeled the shark all the way to their boat, but the eagle – named Eugene – took advantage of a free moment. Chad and Darrin cut the line and got the hook away from the eagle as it dined, and though they missed out on a catch, they were okay with the story.

If you've had a long week and need to relax with some Final Fantasy VII Remake, the worst thing that could happen is the Playstation refusing to comply. Of course, you wouldn't be on fire or in mortal danger, so you still shouldn't call 911.

One Florida man didn't get that memo and decided that the best way to figure it out was to call the emergency personnel. The 911 person almost certainly didn't know the answer, unless he was a gamer himself.

Well, he's a piece of work all right, just not the kind that lights up and makes a big bang. It all happened before three A.M. in early July as a way of – get this – protesting fireworks! He didn't like that people were celebrating with fireworks.

In Florida, fireworks are legal on only three days, and the Fourth of July is one of them. Pretending to be a firework, on the other hand, is going to run afoul of any city's noise ordinance, especially at such a sleepy hour.

There are lots of what we're going to call “criminal shenanigans” in Florida. One Gianfranco Fernandez was found blocking traffic in the middle of a roadway by doing flips and handstands.

When the police approached him to get him out of the way, Gianfranco slipped away from one officer and immediately went into a cartwheel, expecting to make a clean getaway. Cartwheels might be fun to look at, but they aren't exactly the quickest mode of transportation. He was quickly apprehended and charged.

This is another example of headlines that could really only come from Florida. Though Timothy Kepke wasn't really hitting on every cylinder when he gave this incredibly dangerous animal a drink – a friend caught it with his bare hands and Timothy just thought the alligator would want to party.

The reptile was, unsurprisingly, not a fan of the booze, and bit Timothy. And, to add insult to injury, both men were later arrested and charged with the unlawful taking of an alligator.

Patrick Eldridge of Jacksonville decided the best place to hide his Smart car from the ravages of Mother Nature was inside his kitchen. According to his husband Jessica, he was afraid it might blow away. This would be the perfect place for a Smart car joke, but with winds that high, it could honestly happen.

Thankfully, Hurricane Dorian avoided Florida for the most part, so the kitchen and car both survived unscathed.

We've all been desperate for a ride somewhere at least once in our lives. Thankfully, these days there are apps like Uber or Lyft to get you where you need to be. There are also cabs, bicycles, or using your perfectly good pair of feet.

Or, you could do what this guy did and call 911. He lied to the dispatcher, saying that he needed help getting to his ill grandmother. However, Grandma was perfectly fine – the man just wanted to grab some dinner.

A dangerous, armed suspect wasn't about to let the police catch him. He took off so fast that some of his clothes were left behind! Three months after the criminal fled, police made an arrest in the case, thanks to DNA left behind in the sock.

We expect any police officer in Florida to know exactly what to do if a suspect flees since that seems to be the tactic most of them choose. If you don't get caught, you can't be charged! That's just common sense.

Florida produces a lot of people that like to get lots of stuff done, but this must have at least raised SOME red flags. The Tampa-based treasure-hunting company Seafarer Exploration hired Dr. Michael Torres, who was supposed to help them find treasure with tech.

It turns out Torres was little more than a con man, and once the jig was up, he was forced to pay back the wages the company had given him, the shares of Seafarer stock, and could be in a lot more trouble.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day but eating it on a crosswalk is just puzzling and kind of illegal!

A longer story says it was an “obstruction in the roadway and disrupting the free flow of traffic.” The man, 21-year-old Kiaron Thomas, apparently did it all as a prank. That's not a prank, my man. That's dangerous. Police were able to track Thomas down thanks to a video of the incident.

Not only is this a pretty stupid tactic to take, but it actually ended up being worse for the poor idiot. A traffic incident is a vague description, but it was likely only a speeding ticket or blowing through a stop sign when he didn't realize a cop was watching. But to get out from under that, he gave them dashcam footage of himself robbing a store?

We gather that the guy didn't intend to send in that part, but anything is possible in Florida.

The way that headline is written makes it seem like the monkey is the illegal part. But, take a second read and you'll find out that he was, indeed, driving a stolen vehicle. The monkey was just extra.

Is it an emotional support monkey, or something like that? Did the monkey make him do it? Honestly, that sounds like a great Florida Men excuse to us!

No, not the video game. Though that would also be pretty fun to see. There are a couple of layers to this story, let's go ahead and peel them back. Firstly, somebody owned a pet peacock. We wonder what kind of work that requires.

Second, someone decided to steal the peacock, which makes sense, this is Florida! The big mystery is why he started getting chased by a bunch of angry birds. Was this an in-place security system that the peacock's owner had set up?

Okay, now then, this is pretty funny. Unless someone was trying really hard or got really lucky, there isn't much damage you can do with fried chicken. It could poke an eye out maybe, or give someone a bruise, but that's the extent we can come up with.

Still, that's what's written on the police report. Is it possible that the police of the Sunshine State have a big contest to find the funniest thing to write on a report?

Wasn't there an episode of “Breaking Bad” that had this very same element in it? This man might have "needed" to steal a car but he wasn't going to have kidnapping on his rap sheet, no sir. That's a bridge too far. Odds are he has his own kids to feed, he doesn't need another hungry mouth at the table.

Even if it's accidental, kidnapping is a special kind of evil that even criminals aren't big fans of, so this guy was careful to leave the kid where he found it.

In an odd turn of events, this Florida Man was outraged at the idea of getting too much money. While this would be the dream for most people in the state and even a healthy number of us outside of it, this guy wasn't excited about all the extra cash.

We don't know what actually started this, but this seems like the kind of excuse you give to law enforcement when you don't want them to know the real reason behind your shenanigans.

We have to admit, we'd be just as surprised to find something on our Burger King burger that wasn't one of the classic condiments like mayo or ketchup. “Seasoning” is also pretty vague. Are we talking about a little bit of steak sauce? Some fancy salt? Or something else entirely?

Thankfully, an investigation ensued, and it was found that it was just a little bit of tasty salt and pepper, which, when combined with the flame-broiled method Burger King is known for, created something that appeared to the naked eye to be similar to dirt.

The poor fast-food establishment had no idea what it was in for. They thought they'd just be slinging burgers and fries.

We don't know what the man was going for when he did that, but maybe the subtleties are lost on those who aren't Florida natives. The best part about this is the word “allegedly.” This case is supposed to be pretty clear cut, was an alligator thrown or not? This is the type of event we'd expect those who were there to remember.

We all have our own unique way of expressing ourselves when we get somewhere. Maybe you knock a couple of times, or maybe you walk in unannounced carrying a platter of cupcakes. This person decided to do something somewhere in the middle, but also very out of the left field.

It might not be illegal, but there are plenty of people who wish it was. Whether this guy did it with every home he visited, or it was that specific doorbell is one of many questions we don't really want to know the answer to.

This tactic ultimately failed to keep Joseph Britton from appearing in court. He tried to save face by saying that his UTI comment had been “taken out of context,” and said that it was a nurse in Ft. Lauderdale that had it.

However, Britton was never confirmed to be near the nurse, and it's unclear why that would even be relevant. It was quickly determined that Britton was not sick. It's easy to tell.

Eric Ortiz, according to sources, is afraid of spiders. Or at least he was before he got a realistic tattoo of a black widow spider added to his cheek. The explanation he gave is hilarious in its own right: “Everybody fears spiders.

That's why I got it. Just to, like, make me know, that that's what I fear, but not to fear it. You know what I'm saying?” Honestly, Ortiz, we have no idea what you're saying, but you keep on doing you if that's getting you through life.