Unfortunately, nobody ever seems to learn and the tacky reboots and redos just keep coming. The next time you’re considering a newer version of a classic, skip it and go back to the source.
Planet Of The Apes (2001)
We’ll start off by being a little forgiving. The great filmmaker Tim Burton rarely messes up. He’s made some fantastic films so we will allow him one slip up. Unfortunately, it had to be the classic film Planet of The Apes that he royally destroyed in the year 2001.
Apparently no amount of makeup, effects, and just generally modern movie techniques added anything. Sometimes nothing can compare to the simplicity of an original piece. We won’t even get into the awful “twist” that ended the movie.
The Fog (2005)
We at least had a pretty face to look at. Remember that hunky teen Superman from Smallville? Tom Welling, yes. We suppose that he was the greatest thing about this remake of the 1980 cult classic from iconic director John Carpenter.
Director Rupert Wainwright tried to recreate the spookiness using special effects. While it did add some eeriness, the film would have been better off untouched.
The Stepford Wives (2004)
The soap opera comedy series Desperate Housewives does a better job of portraying modern-day suburban shenanigans than the actual remake of Stepford Wives.
The remake did, however, manage to get a killer cast on board (Glenn Close, Christopher Walken, Nicole Kidman.) Even with that, the kitschy remake is over the top. You would be doing yourself a favor skipping it.
Overly polished and dumbed down, the remake of Fame took a gritty and raw film about art school students in the 80s and completely trashed it. The energy completely vanished in this film.
As critic Roger Egbert said it perfectly. "The new Fame is a sad reflection of the new Hollywood, where the material is sanitized and dumbed down for a hypothetical teen market that is way too sophisticated for it."
The Poseidon Adventure (1972 film) was a classic American disaster film that dazzled viewers in the 70s. The highly imaginative film brought was brought back to "life" in a noisy and overbearing 2006 remake.
The storyline of angry family members plastered against unimpressive CGI effects was not worth it. Not to mention the casting Fergie. Why?
House of Wax (2005)
This time we have two remakes. The original film from 1933 was brought back to life in a 1953 version House of Wax. The film about a psychotic sculptor who turns subjects into actual wax statue scared the bejeebers out of everyone back then. Of course, that wasn't enough and in 2005, they decided to do it all over again.
The remade film got a teen slasher (waxer?) facelift that relied purely on cheap scares. It was also the film that gave Paris Hilton the opportunity to show off her incredible acting chops.
The Wolfman (2010)
Universal Studios was so obsessed with recreating one of their treasured box office hits that they didn't seem to care what direction it was going in. As long as it had the name and some vague connection to its 1941 classic, that seemed to be enough for them.
The movie ended up being an unrecognizable eye-sore of a film that even Anthony Hopkins couldn't fix.
It was torturous enough watching Russell Brand play another obnoxious role. We also had to watch the beloved Dudley Moore classic get turned into a corny modern joke of a film.
How Helen Mirren got on board with this one, we will never know. At least it's where Greta Gerwig got her mainstream start so we can't hate that movie too much!
Around The World In 80 Days (2004)
Steve Coogan AKA Inventor Phileas and his sidekick Jackie Chan (Jean Passepartout) Fogg tries to make us laugh in this silly remake Around The World In 80 Days. The movie was drastically changed with very little of the original parts still there.
The film barely made any money at the box office and blew Coogan's shot at crossing over into Hollywood success from quaint little English films.
A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)
Freddy Kreuger Robert Englund is Freddy Krueger. You cant force Jackie Earle Haley into this reboot and expect it to work, no matter how good the actor is.
The tone in the remake is completely off. It's melancholic, not scary. Have fun with it.
City Of Angels (1998)
The Wim Wenders’ 1987 film Wings Of Desire, originally a German film was recreated for Nicole Cage and Meg Ryan. Why? We don't know. With the Hollywood money, the film managed to produce heavenly choirs and panoramic views that were really just cheesy more than anything else.
The original film that was filled with pathos turned to be over-sentimental trash. What did you expect?
The Italian Job (2003)
The film that glorified the Mini Coopers did not give us much else. Oh, and there was the addition of the beautiful Charlize Theron that made things a little more tolerable, but all in all, The Italian Job was not all like it's masterful original.
The film didn't even manage to get Michael Caine back into production. It's no wonder that the sequel The Brazillian Job has still not been given the greenlight.
It's Alive (2008)
Larry Cohen, the creator of the original film as well as one of the writers of the remake has even commented on how awful this version is. The film follows the ridiculous story of a newborn serial-killer.
Cohen reportedly said “It's just beyond awful. I would advise anybody who likes my film to cross the street and avoid seeing the new enchilada.” I think we should listen to the man.
The slightly upgraded Michael Myers mask clearly did not cut it. Rob Zombie took John Carpenter's seminal horror film and turned the infamous psycho-killer into a total bore. He also added in this total unnecessarily back story, destroying the mystery around the notorious masked murderer.
Of course, Rob Zombie, being the disturbed metal-head he is had to try come and give his personal little twist to things. Unfortunately, he didn't succeed in amping up the fear factor.
After her killer performance in Chicago, as Mama Morton, Queen Latifah committed career suicide when she went behind the wheel as the whacky taxi driver in the American remake of Taxi. American remake? Yep, you might be surprised to find out that it was originally a Frenc series of classic comedy films directed by Luc Besson.
The post SNL Jimmy Fallon didn't add much either. In the film's defense, it did make quite a lot of cash. Critically though, it tanked.
Get Carter (2000)
No one can compete with the coolness of Michael Caine in the original British crime drama Get Carter. Unfortunately not even Sylvester Stallone. His tough-guy persona brought a different flavor to the remake.
He may be able to look good in a suit and holding a gun, but he just cannot achieve the emotional richness of the masterful Caine and his London gangster persona.
Guess Who (2005)
The classic film originally called Guess Who's Coming To Dinner was a breakthrough comedy-drama filled with political commentary on racial dynamics. It starred the legendary Sidney Poitier, Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy.
The 2005 remake turned the film into a boring slapstick rom-com that seemed to tiptoe around the very subject matter it attempted to portray.
One Missed Call (2008)
Cellphone driven horror movies always proved to be a big hit among audiences looking for their next fright fix. Unfortunately this time it teh scares didn't quite go as well as planned. The rehashed film based on the 2004 Japanese film by director Chakushin Ari is far better.
The film was ripped apart by critics and viewers alike and has been pinned as the worst J-horror redos ever made. Our advice? Just miss that call, please.
Prom Night (2008)
While the Jaime Lee Curtis original seems a little dated these days, it still totally trumps this sell-out of a remake starring Brittany Snow. No one has anything on the amazing original 80s scream queen.
We would take the out-dated disco-ball and puffy pink dresses over Brittany Snow in that predictable slasher film any day. That was just a completely unnecessary remake.
We will begin by saying that this film got a pathetic 3% on Rotten Tomatoes. While the original itself was barely impressive, it actually completely towers this film. Why remake an already bad film? We will never know.
Perhaps they thought some more modern lighting and 2000s' Chris Klein would do well as a remake. They were poorly mistaken. We should forget about this confusing and aggressive waste of a film altogether.
Straw Dogs (2011)
If you're going to recreate an original, wouldn't you strive to make it a little more interesting than the first one? Apparently not. Rod Lurie’s remake of the Sam Peckinpah 1971 film Straw Dogs lost all the controversy and rawness of the original.
The rather gory addition does offer a slight payoff. We wonder what the conversation went with Dustin Hoffman when considering launching this reboot. Was he even considered? He definitely would have scoffed at that.
We'll hand to Nora Ephron for trying something a little different by not giving us an exact replica of the 1960s sitcom. The film got a kind of meta addition to it with Will Ferrell's character looking for an actress to play his witch wife in the film within the film.
Sadly, the script seemed to reach too high and probably would have been better off keeping the original straight forward concept. It's super hard to strike the balance. Then again, no one forced them to make a remake.
Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005)
Lindsay Lohan's career started to tank right after the release of this movie. We don't want to be over conclusive but it feels like a remake of a talking racing Volkswagen didn't help her in the right direction.
Starring in this lame rehashed Disney film somehow got her nominated for Teen Choice Award. Perhaps competition was weak that year.
Day of the Dead (2005)
The original Day of the Dead was a gory film but succeeded in adding smart commentary and pathos to all the bloodiness. The 2008 edition however somehow missed the memo and opted for more violence than substance. All in the style of cheap special effects.
The zombies are also for some reason not very zombie-like and more like intelligent superhumans who just terrorize humans.
Another Michael Caine classic that unfortunately didn't stand the test of time. The film came out smack bang in the middle of Jude Law's marriage scandals. You would think that would give it an edge, unfortunately it did not. Or perhaps we could just blame the film itself and not the timing.
The film got a slight upgrade in terms of modern relationship dynamics but tries to keep it a little too moral, making the whole experience feel a little insignificant.
Friday The 13th (2009)
This remake tried to fit in an entire Friday The 13th franchise rather than make one coherent remake. You can find a little bit of everything thrown into the mix. If you're looking for a lame abridged version of the entire franchise, then this might for you.
If you're looking to actually enjoy the films, then we suggest that you actually watch all of them except this one.
Walking Tall (2004)
Anything starring Dwayne Johnson is a guaranteed cash cow. Of course, that also means the plot takes second fiddle. The former wrestler playing a former US Army Special Forces sergeant is thankfully not much of a stretch for the actor.
As with all more current day action films, they tend to be filled with the noise pollution of gunfire, yelling, and explosions. And somehow still surprisingly dull
The Vanishing (1993)
You would think that with the amount of remake horror films churned out year after year, the upgraded versions would be a guaranteed hit. Clearly not so. This remake of the 1988 Franco-Dutch film just does not end with the same kind of punch.
Watching Kiefer Sutherland obsess over the disappearance of his girlfriend Sandra Bullock makes you pray for everyone to just disappear. Three years later Jeff Bridges 'fesses up. We recommend you skip this one.
The Wicker Man (2006)
At least Nicolas Cage makes us laugh in this one. Unfortunately, it's not on purpose. This hilariously awful remake succeeds in depicting an even more outrageous Christopher Lee original.
Even the director Robin Hardy completely distanced himself from the film post-release. Watch it for you want a good laugh, but nothing more.
Total Recall (2012)
The original 1990 classic follows a construction worker and his disturbing dreams about life on Mars. The film's line between reality and fiction becomes increasingly blurred as he discovers the truth about who he really is.
The 2012 version scraps the Mars thing completely and gives us Colin Farrell and his VR experience as a secret agent on another planet in a dystopian future. Impressive production value but a weak sense of drama.
The Women (2008)
Originally a 1930s screwball comedy, this remake attempted to focus on female representation. Unfrotaunetly it did so terribly. Awful writing, no original charm, and little artistic merit, this "upgrade" had little to offer.
Rom-com queen Meg Ryan seemed like a shoo-in for this role, but Annette Benning and Carrie Fisher? We're not sure how they got on board.
The Pink Panther (2006)
Heaven knows how this became the most successful Pink Panther film ever. Clearly the hoards of kids who rushed to see it must have thought they were going to see a movie about a literal pink cartoon cat.
We are sure you can imagine the train-wreck of a collaboration between Steve Martin and Beyonce. Stick to the Peter Sellers one. It's a classic.
The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)
At least Keanu Reeves has a hard time convincing us that he is human here. It's not that bad though has he portrays a dead-pan alien. Still, the whole overwhelming CGI production totally tanks.
More chaos ensues when we watch Jennifer Connelly and Jaden Smith act terribly as mother and son.
Piranha 3D (2010)
It's not exactly like the original was a masterpiece, which begs the question, why even bother with a remake at all. The gratuitous bikini shots are over the top and there is a bizarre underwater love scene that could have been cut.
At least Christopher Lloyd gives us some good entertainment.
Ben Hur (2016)
The undisputed classic Ben Hur made in 1959 won 11 Academy Awards. To be fair, the 1959 version was a remake of the silent 1925 original, and anything post silent film era is an automatic improvement. The film had everything drama, romance, action, all packed into one epic Hollywood marvel.
Then came the 2016 version. It bombed at the box office. No amount of CGI special effects could salvage this disaster. Don't get us started on the bland and wooden dialogue.
Dinner For Schmucks (2010)
Director Jay Roach wasted the comedic skills of his cast on this film. Steve Carell, we're talking to you especially, Dinner For Schmucks is filled with lazy and juvenile jokes that does not at all resemble the original French comedy hit "Le Dîner de Cons."
Total wasted potential. Might we suggest that they redo it one more time just to get it right? Maybe a second attempt will redeem this film.
Gus Van Saint has a great reputation with classics like Elephant and Good Will Hunting under his belt. Who would have thought he could do any wrong? Tragically he did and took Hitchcock's classic Psycho and merely tuned it technicolor.
Not that it's so awful to replicate the original shot for shot. It's just a little pointless. We would think that a director of that caliber would have taken the liberty of adding his personal stamp. Guess he realized, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. He could have taken that sentiment a step further and left the whole thing altogether.
The Ladykillers (2004)
Nothing is safe from money-hungry rebooters. Not even the universally loved Ladykillers from 1955 is safe. As much we love the Coen brothers, the filmmaking siblings just didn't do this one any justice.
Nothing can compare to the Ealing classic. Not even starring Tom Hanks planning a bank heist. Get your hands on the original. We promise total satisfaction.
Mr. Deeds (2002)
The 1936 original Mr. Deeds Goes To Town, a classic romantic comedy directed by Frank Capra was reincarnated in 2002, this time with Adam Sandler. He's just one of the many annoying characters in this remake.
The plot goes nowhere and is about as necessary as Longfellow Deeds' black foot.
Swept Away (2002)
Guy Ritchie tried to give Madonna, his then-wife a more legitimate film career by rehashing this old Italian film from 1974. The attempted film boost did not quite pan out as expected and ended up being a total box office flop.
Ritchie should stick to gritty crime dramas and Madonna should stick to pop music. Stay in your lane, folks.
Black Christmas (2006)
It seems eerily coincidental the Bob Calrk, director of the original Black Christmas film from 1974 died the same year the new one was released. The glamorized and glossy remake paled in comparison to Clark's film.
Black Xmas depicts everything that can go wrong in horror filmmaking. It made us miss Margot Kidder more than we ever expected.
The Stepfather (2009)
Penn Badgley of You stars in this one, so brace yourself for some top-notch acting. The film about a guy who grows suspicious of his mom's unusually friendly new boyfriend was trashed by critics.
If you want to watch real tension and psychological horror, go for the 1987 original.
The Haunting (1999)
If we have learned anything from this list, it's that you can't flood a film with special effects and CGI and replace it with a good script and a credible plotline. It takes more than flashy effects to create a good scare.
More importantly, nothing involving Owen Wilson can be haunting. His blond mop should stick to the goofy romantic comedies and stay out of the horror genre.
The Japanese horror film Kairo was remade for American viewers and called Pulse. In the original, spirits insidiously sneak their way into people's homes via the internet. The film shows two parallel narratives of characters facing the paranormal intrusion.
In the American remake, the sophisticated story-telling was thrown to the trash and the film relies more on scary imagery than anything else. One critic called it a"dull Americanization of one of the finest examples of subtle, moody J-horror out there." Yikes.
Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
Another disastrous remake starring the one and only Nicolas Cage. He deserves his own list to be honest. This original Pang Brothers film dusted up their original Thai script and remade their own film for a broader, ahem, American audience.
Unfortunately for them, Cage does not do it justice, proving to us all that Americans should get used to subtitles and watch more foreign films.
The Grudge (2004)
Sarah Michelle Gellar without the guidance of Joss Whedon proves to be a grim experience. Even though the film sticks to the blueprint of the original Japanese horror film from 2002 entitled Ju-On: The Grudge.
The remake is predictable and lacks that cutting edge masterful Japanse filmmaking.
Death Race (2008)
This potentially thrilling remake based on the 1975 film turned out to be another Jason Statham vehicle than anything else. It took over five years to greenlight this script and we are not surprised as to why,
The Paul W.S. Anderson rendition is a big disappointment that was stupidly picked up by Universal Studios after Paramount dropped it.
The Omen (2006)
This John Moore remake turned out to be completely pointless. The shooting was timed in order to be released on the 6.06.06. Meaning they probably mistimed production because that could have used (a lot) more tweaking.
That might sound strange seeing as they copied the original practically shot for shot.
The Hitcher (2007)
Redoing the 1986 Hitcher sounds like professional suicide. The iconic film practically made Rutger Hauer’s career. Sean Bean post Lord of the Rings was probably just bored at home waiting for a call.
The film just relied on tacky and gory tricks rather than actual plot-based terror.